How to make truly effective New Year's resolutions

How we arrive at our resolutions

Why is it that our New Year's resolutions are always born out of our shortcomings? Why, as we bid a more, or less, fond farewell to 2004, do we focus on changing what we don't like about ourselves, in 2005?

Whatever we resolve to have more of in our life in the coming year is, inevitably, a critical judgement on our current situation. What resolutions are really about

What are getting a new job, losing weight, finding a new partner, working out, giving up smoking etc. etc. really about? At bottom, they're about pursuing the elusive myth of happiness through the jungle of our daily life.

But if our resolutions are really about being happy, why is it that we don't simply resolve to be happy? Could it be that we:

a) don't know how to 'do' happiness?

b) believe that happiness is only ever fleeting?

c) believe that we are somehow unworthy of happiness?

Our New Year's resolutions become a last resort to garner something that we don't really believe can be ours to enjoy. No wonder we stop using the Gym a couple of months down the line. No wonder most diets fail.

Most New Year's resolutions are simply symptoms, indicators of where we are failing to realise our dreams and aspirations. If we want to change, we need to address root causes.

How to create effective change through a shift in your attitude

You can make 2005 the year of root and branch change, provided you change your attitude towards yourself. Lucille Ball, in a moment of seriousness, observed: 'Love yourself first and everything else falls into line.'

Normally, we work it the other way: when everything else falls into line, we may feel good enough about ourselves to love ourselves - briefly. Generally, our good feelings have to percolate in from the outside.

Loving ourselves, so the theory goes, is a dubious practice that results in obnoxious behaviour towards others. The facts disprove this: most obnoxious behaviour springs from self-loathing. Yet the myth persists.

Loving ourselves is frequently confused with selfishness. But selfish behaviour springs from an excessive neediness, whereas loving ourselves first frees us so we can be sympathetic and responsive to the needs of others. We are best equipped to show those qualities to others when we show them to ourselves first.

Learn to love yourself first

How do we, as adults, learn to love ourselves? Time and experience have taught us how not to love ourselves, so we're unlikely to replace old habit and old beliefs overnight. There are various ways to speed up the process:

Accept your fallibility. Stop punishing yourself. Focus instead on what your slip-ups teach you about yourself. You'll learn how to do even better next time.

Embrace your fears. Take the time to ask yourself how your fears serve to protect you. Understand this and you'll find new and better ways to manage situations.

Trust in your own resources. You may be used to relying on someone else, 'because they know more about it than you do'. Project yourself into their shoes instead, and see what they would do. You can also do this with someone you admire. That way, you'll have 3 takes on the situation - including your own. You might be surprised what you learn. You'll find you have new choices and you'll start to have more faith in your own judgements.

Really register the good things that people say to you. to refuse the impulse to say: 'Oh, no. Not really. Not me!' They mean it: it's time you started believing it.

Adopt a firm approach to that little critical voice in your head. Find out who it really belongs to and then establish how much it has ever helped you in the past. You can choose whether you want to pay attention to it or not.

Stand firm with critical people. They may, or may not, have a useful observation to make. They are never justified in speaking to you in a demeaning or abusive way. Tell them so, calmly. You may be surprised how much better you'll feel when you do that.

Become your own best friend. Commit to encouraging and commending yourself between 5 and 10 times a day for whatever you do well. It doesn't matter if it's getting into work 5 minutes earlier than usual, leaving half a glass of wine undrunk, refusing to tolerate rudeness, or anything else that you have done differently.

These are all easy steps towards loving yourself first. Commit to doing them for a few weeks and you'll find you feel quite differently about yourself. So much so that you'll find your New Year's resolutions will just do themselves.

(C) Annie Kaszina 2004