Is it really any wonder that we're in so much trouble as a society when it comes to marriage and relationships when you look around at the various media portrayals of what an ideal, healthy relationship might look like. Let's start with a popular ballad about the expectations you might have of your soul mate:

"I don't care who you are, where you're from

Or what you did, as long as you love me."

What a beauty! Talk about co-dependent low self-esteem as the end goal.

Then there's the big line from the movie Jerry McGuire:

"You complete me."

What is that? Are we really walking around as pieces of a soul mate jigsaw puzzle, waiting to find our missing piece in the form of another person or be doomed to a life with our incomplete self? I don't think so.

Now before I go any further, the point here is not to destroy your enjoyment of popular songs (that I can admit to humming along with) or movies (that I actually enjoyed). Rather, I want you to put them into some much needed perspective.

They're fictional, these stories didn't happen, they're not true. And it's a good thing too!

Go back to the song's lyrics for a moment and read them again and imagine what that relationship might look like. And this time don't sing the lyrics, just read them as a statement.

I love this exercise, because when you take the message out of the context it was presented to you, well, it's not quite so romantic is it?

Unfortunately, as a society we're taking this form of subconscious relationship advice in by the truckload. We don't examine the actual message because we're too swept up in the emotions they trigger. And what's the end result? We have a society where the popular belief is that fairytales can come true.

I'm sorry, but the fact that it is theoretically possible for a street prostitute to end up with a handsome billionaire as in Pretty Woman, is not a good reason to wait around for your own knight in shining armor to come riding into town on a white horse. Likewise, it's very doubtful that a delightful, princess of a woman is going to magically see through your outwardly destructive behavior, to the man for all seasons that lies within.

And then there's the doozie that we've all fallen for in one relationship or another, that "love" will conquer all. The Beatles lied when they told us "All You Need is Love", because they left out all of the other components that you need in order to find, and keep your true soul mate.

You're going to need to be very, very clear on exactly the type of person you want in your life, the kind of values they would have (as well as clearly knowing your own values).

You'll need to have a healthy and developed sense of respect, for yourself first, and then for the person you're inviting into your life.

You'll need to master the art of direct, truthful and sincere communication and be prepared to hold yourself accountable for using it.

You'll also need trust. Trust in you, and trust in your partner with a clear understanding of your mutual agreements and the consequences for breaking them.

And of course you'll need to learn the techniques necessary to apply all of these components with your partner.

We claim to all want rich, loving relationships, yet it's been my experience that people are mostly treating their relationship like it were a game of chance. Think of it like this; finding your true soul mate and creating your ideal relationship is the equivalent of playing a round of golf with someone and each of you shooting par on every hole ... does it make sense to try to do this without taking lessons or instruction from someone who has played to that level before?

Of course not.

You don't get lucky or unlucky in love. You either get the necessary knowledge, and through its application create what might look like "luck" to an outsider, or you continue to enter into relationships hoping that the next one will be "the one" or that the one you're in currently will spontaneously evolve into the relationship of your dreams.

Your soul mate is out there, you just need to decide how important it is that you find them.